"They said she was a package. Can you believe it? A package?"

"Hello, Don. Who's they and who's the package?"

"Where's the respect? Where's the humanity?"

"Don. The package? Who?"

"Who do you think?"

"Oh, no, Don. You didn't. Did you? Have you gone back to Paris?"

"What? You didn't tell anyone did you? About Paris?"

"Absolutely not. Except for the column I wrote."

"A column? In the newspaper?"

"Yes, but nobody really knows you."

"Oh, yeah. OK. Good. But listen, it's not Paris. She's so last year. That whole jail thing. I lost interest."

"Of course, my bad."

"It's Britney."

"As in Spears?"

"One and the same."

"Britney Spears? No hair? No parenting skills? No way, Don."

"I knew you wouldn't understand it. I don't either."

"Like I didn't understand your secret fascination with Paris Hilton."

"Right. But just because I'm a little obsessed, that doesn't give the cops the right to call her a package."

"I feel a John Merrick moment coming on here. 'I am not a package!'"

"Huh? Hey, this is serious."

"Apparently. So tell me about the package and how you came to be what did you say 'a little obsessed.' Can you be a little obsessed?"

"When the police took her to the hospital last week, they said the 'package is on the way out.'"

"Sounds harmless to me. Probably trying to avoid the paparazzi."

"Poor thing."

"And how did you trade affections from Paris to Britney?"

"This goes no further."

"Mum's the word, Pal. So what happened."

"Well, after Paris "

" which you'll always have "

"Zip it, Ink Blot. It wasn't that funny the first time."

"Sorry."

"You should be. Hey, I was through with bad girls, feeling sorry for them, that whole Lindsay, Paris, Nicole thing. Never felt better. Read some books. Watched a little PBS. Took some walks. The theme song for 'Entertainment Tonight' finally left my mind."

"An ear worm, huh?"

"Precisely."

"But then you were free."

"A pop culture refugee found."

"And then?"

"Then I was grocery shopping and innocently started reading a tabloid in a long line at the check stand. And, well, one thing led to another."

"Like her sister's pregnancy?"

"Didn't help."

"Like the whole underwear on stage at that awards deal?"

"It all adds up."

"Like the 'Leave Britney Alone' video."

"Hey, I only watched once."

"Really?"

"Well, OK, maybe more. The guy's out there, but he made some good points. Besides, you're sworn to secrecy."

"Except for my readers."

"You sure they don't know me?"

"Couldn't find Pulchritude on a map if they had a magnifying glass and a head start. So you're following the exploits of Ms. Spears?"

"Exactly. But I really can't tell you why."

"You know this could all end bad, don't you, Don?"

"Me following her story?"

"No, her story."

"Paris just kind of drifted out of sight."

"Doesn't seem to be Britney's style."

"She's a tiger, isn't she?"

"Not what I was going for, but you obviously have more information. I do think you need to let the whole package thing go, Don. Police lingo. Probably saw too many movies."

"Yeah, maybe I'll let it slide."

"Good idea."

"So, who's John Merrick?"

"That's another phone call. Keep in touch, Don."

George Ayoub is senior writer at The Independent.