By Kristen Friesen
For The Independent

Upon arriving home I immediately launched into my interview, following my mom as she tooled around the house. Unfortunately, she had no idea she was being interviewed, was accustomed to strange questions and was in a light mood. Her flippant answers were "plaid" and "29", respectively.

My teacher said "plaid" was not a color. But she was speechless when I said my mother was 29. I suppose it was believable because my mother could have been a model for the Oil of Olay she used religiously, but then there was the problem of my sister five years my senior. The brief scandal ended with expedient phone dialogue between my mother and my teacher and a lecture for me about interviewing procedures.

So I must tell you that the Jelinek girls knew full well that this is a story about women and birthdays the good, the bad and the ugly. And they still agreed to talk.

Perhaps nothing could be more relevant to Chris Jelinek who turns 50 next month. However, while certainly a milestone for most, this is not the most difficult birthday she has faced. For Chris it was 32.

"I had all these people telling me how hard it is to turn 30. That didn't bother me," Chris said. "But by the time I hit 32 I was starting to think how I really was aging. It suddenly became a little more realistic to me."

And age is one of the three ways in which people mark their lives, said Grand Island clinical psychologist John Meidlinger, Ph.D. "One of the reasons why people fear getting older is that we live in a culture which doesn't revere people of old age," he said. "Most cultures think that if you've lived that long you're wise. In America you're just out of it."

But how we perceive age is important to our health, Meidlinger said. "People who fear old age, who are fatalistic, tend to die younger." In other words, optimism is good for us.

And few are as optimistic as Chris' 73-year-old mother-in-law, Betty. But even Betty experienced an aversion to turning 50. "The others (birthdays) didn't bother me but the 50th did because I thought, 'My goodness! I'm going to be half a century old," she said.

Ironically, Betty hasn't minded a single birthday since not even 65 which her late husband, John, kept wishing she'd reach so she could draw social security. "Of course he was nine years older than me so that probably made a big difference with him," she said.

But if John gave a little extra thought to 65, he never seemed to care about any of the others.

"I'm wondering if we don't think about them (birthdays) more than the men do," said Betty, "because I can't remember John ever complaining about getting older."

Clinical psychologist John Meidlinger, Ph.D., attributes the way in which women often dread birthdays more than men to a couple of factors. "First, there is the stereotype that men fall in love through what they see while women fall in love through what they hear," he said. "Women worry about getting older inasmuch as they worry that their power comes in their ability to attract men."

Secondly, "Women tend to anticipate the future more than men," said Meidlinger. "Women are sad thinking about their children leaving home and men are sad after they do."

And that brings to light another way in which people mark their lives: passing through a developmental milestone. Meidlinger tells of a trend he learned from a couple who run a rafting business in Colorado. When young couples come for rafting the men often want to go white water rafting while the women recoil from danger saying, "What will become of our children if something happens to us?" Twenty years later, however, the men are reluctant and the women are eager saying, "What have we got to lose?"

That's because "there is a natural transition that happens to men and women in the second half of their lives," said Meidlinger.

Whatever they were missing in the first half becomes extremely important in the second half. For example, a highly goal-oriented man might become very relational as he ages. A woman who has spent the first half of her life caring for others might suddenly realize a need to set and pursue personal goals, Meidlinger said.

Betty has experienced that transition from mother of five to grandmother of twelve and, now, great-grandmother of 18. "Maybe we're too busy raising our children whereas the men, they help us, yes, but it's such a big responsibility for us women," she said. "I know I'm getting to the point with the great grandchildren where I don't have the patience with them that I used to. And I worry about them more, that they might get hurt."

While new at the grandmother role, Chris is thankful that she still has enough energy to run and play with her grandchildren. "I would like to be one of those women who feel like they're aging gracefully," she said. "I still mentally feel very young."

And, aside from her moments of reflection prior to turning 32, Chris has tried to handle each birthday since with celebration. In fact she claims 40 was her favorite birthday. "I know that sounds so silly," she said, "but I really started getting into the over-the-hill thing and I really love to celebrate. Jerry (her husband) and I had our 40th birthdays within six months of each other so we had over-the-hill parties to bring in that decade of our life. I had a surprise party for him and he had one for me too."

Though Chris loves a party, she believes that circumstances "have a huge impact on how you feel about that birthday that's coming up. And if you have some serious things going on in your life you won't even want to think about it," she said.

Because the past decade has been difficult Chris and Jerry were glad they celebrated while they had the chance. The Jelinek family has lost a few loved ones including Jerry's father, John. And Chris' mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

"Your perspective changes humongously when you have someone in your life like that," Chris said. "You cherish every moment. We never know when we won't have another year."

Since her husband's death, Decembers have been difficult for Betty. "I think maybe our anniversary is what bothers me more than anything because he (John) passed away in November and that following December was our anniversary. It would've been our 57th," she said.

According to Meidlinger, the anniversaries of important dates are the third way in which people mark their lives. Consequently one might have a fear of turning 40 because someone she loved died at that age.

Understanding why we fear an approaching date can help us face it when it comes. And, rational or not, few women take their birthdays lying down. We either stand up to embrace them or turn tail and run.

When my youngest sister was in kindergarten she told the teacher it was my mom's 53rd birthday. It was actually her 35th, but my sister was having a dyslexic moment. And when the teacher argued my little sister stood her ground.

After school my sister came unglued. "I told the teacher it was your birthday and that you were 53 and she didn't believe me!" she told our mother.

"But I'm only 35," my mother whimpered.

"53, 35. What's the difference?" my sister said. "They're both big numbers."

Whether those are big or small numbers depends upon perspective. But that there is a difference is fact. Our age, circumstances and life experiences, as unique as the smiles on our faces, determine whether we throw a party or pretend it's not our birthday at all.

And though Betty has no trouble with her birthdays, she still exercises her right to keep a few things in the vault. "I'll tell you what: I will tell my age, but just don't ask me my weight because that I won't tell," she said.