By Sarah Kuta
Grand Island Senior High

What's that, you say? The Pretty Dancing Acrobats are banned? No more Puffy Dolphin Algorithms? What about Pasteurized Deliberate Auditions?

No, my friend, the term I speak of is defined as, to put it bluntly: Give us all a break and leave some room for the air molecules and dust particles.

Public displays of affection are running rampant at Grand Island Senior High, and I know I'm not the only one to notice. For that matter, PDA is invading our lives at the mall, at Starbucks, at the dentist's office ... OK, OK, not the dentist's office, but who knows how far it will spread before someone shakes these wrongdoers back to reality.

Wandering the halls in my seniorly way, as I do every day, I've come to notice that more and more underclassmen are becoming attached at the arms, legs, foreheads and other body parts. I'm seriously considering asking the administration to put up "Rated PG-13" signs around the halls so innocent children don't ask those awkward questions at home before they absolutely have to.

While I do think that affection (note: I did not use any adjectives rhyming with "bublic" and starting with the letter "p" while describing this word) is altogether quite nice, I really don't care to see you and your sugar baby going at it on my way to calculus.

I understand. I was young once, too. It's a tough situation because you can't drive and the only time you get to see your one and only is between the hours of 8 and 3:30.

I hate to be the one to say this, but someone has to. Kiddos, have you ever thought about what your teachers think when they step out of their classrooms and stumble upon your passing-period embrace? "How utterly romantic," your chemistry teacher swoons. "My student is so full of love and friendliness that she's willing to let the rest of us watch her smooch and hug her honey right in the middle of a crowded hallway. That deserves an A-plus!"

I highly doubt it.

Besides making the rest of us uncomfortable, your teachers really don't want a sneak peek into your social life. Really, they remember the days, but they're most likely trying to get past fourth period without barfing. Am I being too harsh? Nah.

I'm directing a one-act with two of my best friends this month, and it's all about high school and relationships. The story takes place during the characters' freshman year in the jungle of the school, a.k.a. the lunchroom.

Throughout this comedy, the students in the show are constantly bewildered and simultaneously disgusted by the behavior of two of their classmates. At several points during the show, everyone in the lunchroom voices his or her repugnance for the couple's antics during every second of the lunch period. At one point, the stage directions even call for the two to "set down their forks and begin gazing into each other's eyes."

Yes, it is a good laugh during rehearsal but entirely too true. You couldn't write a better drama than what I see every day. Sometimes I feel the urge to get out a bottle of water to squirt any lovebirds I see looming and say, "Bad sophomores!" Treating students like cats isn't against any rules in the school handbook, is it? Aw, just kidding, that's only how I feel on my worst days.

Mayor Hornady, I know the smoking ban was really stressful, and you're glad the whole shebang is over with, but could we possible put another ban on the agenda?

No kissing, hugging, embracing, sniffing or touching of any kind in a public establishment. Take it outside.

Sounds good to me.